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A ripped masculine man who bottoms is considered a disappointment who only appears to be a real man.i.e., “chile, he ain't nothing but a big ole bottom.”īlack gay men’s shade about bottoming is deeply rooted in shame. No matter how manly they may appear, men who bottom are therefore deemed less desirable. Many (including bottoms) equate bottoms with women, as patriarchy deems being penetrated a woman’s role. Black gay men still use antiquated terms like passive and submissive as codes for bottoms. I wanted to ask him “if I get what I want, what do I need to get back?” but I was a 20-year-old novice, so I held my objection in silence.įorty-one years after losing my cherry, conflicting attitudes about bottoming persist as if passed down through generations. When boys gossiped about a girl having sex, they would say she “gave it up” ignoring that the girl was not only giving but also receiving pleasure.
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His insistence that I “get” whenever I “give” echoed the proverbs I heard growing up in the barbershops and playgrounds where boys learned how to be men. To not ‘get yours back’ was to suffer a loss that needed to be balanced out, a measure of displaced manhood that must be reset. My friend’s advice suggested that to be penetrated is to give away something valuable that must be paid back.
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Lighting a second post-sex Newport, he advised, “well if you do that with someone, make sure you get yours back.” “You sure you haven't done this before?” I told him I really liked it and that I looked forward to getting better at it. I was so relaxed throughout it all that it stumped him. It was a college friend who did the honors. Before this initiation, I enjoyed getting and giving head and frottage, but no penetration whatsoever. I had not placed anything bigger than my finger inside. I expected it to be really painful the first time I got fucked. “Free your mind, and your ass will follow…”